First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours! You have entertained the masses for a long time running. Without you, our weekends just wouldn’t be as kick ass as they usually tend to be.
Your many dimensions are mind boggling. Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, sapphires in the princess glass, a beer with the game, drinks with friends. You're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of dreaded endless family gatherings.
Yet, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am.
2. Eating: why you suggested that I eat a a slice of cheese pizza coupled with easy mac and some stale chips is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down, break shit, knock countless things off tables and counters, and walk into walls that somehow appear out of nowhere. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but we usually have to use a series of digital slideshows to piece the night together. Sometimes this backfires and you end up with pictures of people who shall remain nameless peeing in snow banks in the middle of crowded parking lots.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from now on.
Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for the previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, 4 Advil, and bread products) prior to going to bed or passing out facedown on the bathroom floor with my unpasted toothbrush still in my mouth, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Your biggest fan